Where am I?

Why is everyone going around saying they are going to have "Sweet Tea"? This is driving me crazy. Is it because Mcdonalds starting selling so called sweet tea? I am going to start saying I want coffee regular. Then people will say "what's that?" And I will say OMG don't you know?

Help! My ears are bleeding!

Before I start complaining let me first say that I love music. When I am in the car alone or at home baking I like to have music to listen to. I like it loud. At home
I am in control of what I hear. I am so not in control anywhere else. Everywhere you go all of the time there is just the most god aweful music playing, loudly. It is at the grocery store, Target, every restaurant in Stark county, and my place of employment saturating my ears with mediocre pop music. There is nothing like trying to clear a schedule at work whilst listening to George Michael yelling that he "wants my sex" over the loudspeakers. Yes George I want you too.

Another favorite is eating dinner with my husband at a restaurant while listening to the musical stylings of say cheesy mullet 80's band Bon Jovi. Yes, we all know you are wanted "Dead or Alive" and a "steel horse you ride". Yuck. I am sure the members of Bon Jovi are lovely people but their music makes me want to vomit. Does this bother anyone else? What is the solution? Maybe I can call ahead and ask these public places to at least turn the music down? They could adopt a soundtrack to my liking. Although I don't think little old ladies at Giant Eagle want to hear all 20 remixes of "Army of Me" by Bjork. Oh wait, I think I just stumbled upon a theory. Not everyone likes the same music at the same time!! WOW. I say to all stores and public places turn off the music. Let me think and shop in peace. Maybe i can get some of those silence headphones. Or even better, I'll get an IPOD and sing along to my music as loud as I want. Everyone in Target will get to hear my special rendition of "Gin and Juice". Do you think anyone will stare? "Some how some way keep comin' up with funky ass shit like every single day" Hey, shut up, it is no worse than listening to Madonna tell us she is "like a virgin". Gross.

Polite vs Friendly

Why do so many people feel free to tell a complete stranger their most personal details? If I have to hear another gall bladder attack and/or surgery story I'll scream. I don't know what a gall bladder is and I want to keep it that way. Maybe if I don't acknowledge mine it won't attack me. So now I have to worry about organs I've never heard of? It's enough to worry about popular flashy ones like heart and lungs etc. You know how it is, you are trapped at the grocery store or worse your chair at work and someone is going on and on about gross medical procedures. Even worse when they are telling you about their relatives medical issue. Does your cousin really want me to know all about his diverticulitis? Speaking of diverticulitis, what the hell is that anyway? I can remember my Grandma Mary saying diverticulitis when I was little. The sound of it made me laugh. It can't be that bad of a disease because she said it out loud. She stage-whispered words that were bad or controversial. Things like "he's got cancer", "she married a catholic" or "that family is full of divorce". Maybe Grandma had partly the right idea. Maybe we should not "Maury Povich" our whole lives for everyone to see. I am not saying we should stop talking about cancer or exchanging valuable information but maybe we could use a little discretion. My Grandma Ruby would have been horrified at some of the Facebook/Myspace photos I have had the displeasure of gazing upon. I didn't know cousin Ralph had so many piercings. MY EYES ARE BURNING!!!!

My next favorite over-friendly behavior is the question you don't want to answer. "Why don't you have any children?" "How old are you?" "Have you had this or that disgusting medical test or disease?"or the dreaded "How much do you weigh?" Maybe I should answer how I want to? "I eat babies", "Clearly I am younger than you","I have at least ten colonoscopies(sp) a month and I film them" finally "What the f**k did you just ask me, freak?" Seriously, don't ask me how much I weigh cause I will cut you man.

So the next time you feel the burning desire to tell someone all about your hemorrhoids, leaky bladder , raging diarrhea or the birthing of babies stop and think WWJAD. What Would Jane Austen Do? She would say "I've been ill" no details. Better yet smile and say "Hello".

Thanks for reading. Now I'm off to the drugstore for some rash cream.

Am I your honey?

Honey, sweetie, dear, baby. When is a pet name offensive to YOU? For me pet names are fine when the person addressing me is someone I know and presumably like. I also don't mind it from a waitress or someone helping me in a store. If the waitress at Smiley's doesn't call me honey something is horribly wrong. The problem is when it comes from a a person I feel is condescending and trying "put me in my place". How do tell when he or she is sincere or trying to belittle? Am I just being an over sensitive whinging jerk? It's not that I want to be called your royal highness. But somehow sometimes poorly placed "honey"just pisses me off. When do I use pet names? My husband and any children under the age of say 14. No one else. It just feels wrong.

Can we each make our own rules? What is sexist language? Is it ok for a woman to call a man honey? How about woman to woman? What do I do about it when it offends me? Sometimes a return, "ok then sweetie" will work other times a plain "my name is Beowolf" works. Here is where I have trouble working out what to do. What if the offender is my customer? Yikes! I would never call a customer honey. Is ok for him but not for me? I don't want someone telling my boss I am snotty but then again don't I have the right to be addressed by strangers in my place of business with respect? I picked up a book at my local library this week and was glad to see the librarian had a name tag that said Mrs. So and So. No excuse for calling her honey. What about coworkers? At a previous job my boss called me a broad several times. I liked it!! Why wasn't I offended? Was it our fun and funny faux adversarial relationship? I believe I referred to him with another name starting with a B. What fun we had.

I also have trouble dealing with the whole girl thing. What is wrong the word girl? Nothing if you are an actual girl. I am 38 years old, I own a home, I am married and I have a college degree. I am not a girl. I am a woman and a person. For all the Little Britain fans ("But I'm a lady you see"). Would I refer to a 38 year old man as a boy? Absolutely not! Are men offended with dude or bro? Guy doesn't sound so bad but the equivalent gal is kind of cheesy. Gal makes me think of a rodeo. So how does it work man to man?

What are the rules? What are your opinions?

see you chicks later

Movies to See Before You Die

I love movies. Here are my favorites in no particular order.

Once
Napolean Dynamite
Secrets and Lies
Godfather I
Godfather II
Rachel Getting Married
The Perfect Murder
Insomnia
Scarface
The Birdcage
Howard's End
Persuasion
Vacation
Sense and Sensablility
Tell No One
Slumdog Millionare

Things that drive me crazy

I am not Valentino or Clinton and Stacy from "What Not To Wear". However, here is my partial list of clothing faux pas that drive me crazy. This list does not apply to home or the beach or swimming pools. Wear whatever you like at home. This is for public places like the grocery store, library, movie theater, anywhere you might bump into me. If I look at you then slowly narrow my eyes and pull a face .....you know what you did.

1. Croc (shoes?). Are they really shoes? Fluorescent plastic on your feet. I bet that smells nice. I think I just threw up a little, in my mouth. Try sandals.

2. Flip Flops. Flip Flops are a sign of the Apocalypse. I don't want to see your misshapen foot. And that appalling sound, gross feet, gross feet. The people I see wearing them have not washed their feet or trimmed their toenails in months. It's like the toenail trimming scene in "Dumb and Dumber". Again, sandals, hello?

3. Tennis shoes. As they name implies they are for athletic adventures, not for perusing the fresh produce isle at Giant Eagle. Yes, I know everyone wears them all the time. Does that make it ok? NO!

4. Riding around in the car with feet on the dash or out the window. Come on now. These people always have filthy feet that are usually some sort of greenish color on the bottom. If you come near my car with those things I may not be able to hold my silence. Not to mention what if you have an accident? You look like a nutter with your feet and legs flailing about all over the place. Also you could cut someone with those toenails.

5. Sweatpants. Oh honey, do you have the flu, recently had an operation? No? Then put some real pants on Susie. I wear sweatpants, AT HOME. Again, yes I know they are comfortable. So is peeing in a pool, would you do that? Don't answer.

6. Ugg boots. You look like you are standing in two five gallon buckets. Go ahead draaggg them across the floor, no need to pick your feet up when you walk. I like that sound, it's great. Clearly, those are worth the $300 price tag.

7. Pajama bottoms. Nothing says "I don't care bout nothin" like pajama bottoms at the Olive Garden. This seems to be some sort of teenager trend. I know I was a genius when I was a teenager, so clear thinking and stable. It used to be if one saw a person in public in their pajamas you kindly asked that person "Who can I call for you?" or "Which hospital did you come from?"

8. Exposed stomach. Whether you are built like a brick chicken house or Jaba the Hut, keep your .... stuff hidden. I know you are cool and edgy with your pierced belly button that got infected after someone who calls himself "Skinny Mike" gave you discount at the unlicensed tattoo parlour. Also cool, the chubby rebel who doesn't care what others think about their body type or the roll that just flopped over their waistband. Show us your hard earned self esteem in some other way. Buy a sassy handbag.

9. Mullets. You know who you are and what you have to do. Pour yourself a glass of courage and ask your hairstylist and/or Mother for help. They are there to help you let go of 1983. It's never too late.

These things are clearly a violation of the Rachel code, ok a misdemeanor at best in everyday life. However, if i see any of these crimes against humanity at the next wedding or funeral, you have been warned.

I've Loved You So Long

First of all Kristen Scott Thomas is the coolest. "I've Loved You So Long" is French drama about family, death and pain starring Kristen Scott Thomas. Her character Juliette comes to live with her younger sister after a 15 year absence. Where has she been? Watching this movie is like an onion peeling itself right before your eyes. You get a small taste of her story and then nothing. You want to know the whole story right now but the movie makes you wait for small bites. One of the most uncomfortable scenes in the movie is between Juliette and her now senile mother when they are reunited after Juliette's 15 year exile. That scene made me squirm in my chair. WEIRD FEELINGS!!

Kristen Scott Thomas never disappoints me. She always looks completely different in every character she inhabits but is still so familiar. She can be anyone. Well, anyone that's cool. I don't think she could play a nerd or poor. In this movie she looks old and full of grief in one scene and youthfully beautiful in another. Go see this movie. You get extra points for seeing a film in French. Everyone will think you are smart and sophisticated, just like Kristen Scott Thomas.

I only thought about Reece's Peanut Butter Cups 1 time during the movie.