I am not Valentino or Clinton and Stacy from "What Not To Wear". However, here is my partial list of clothing faux pas that drive me crazy. This list does not apply to home or the beach or swimming pools. Wear whatever you like at home. This is for public places like the grocery store, library, movie theater, anywhere you might bump into me. If I look at you then slowly narrow my eyes and pull a face .....you know what you did.
1. Croc (shoes?). Are they really shoes? Fluorescent plastic on your feet. I bet that smells nice. I think I just threw up a little, in my mouth. Try sandals.
2. Flip Flops. Flip Flops are a sign of the Apocalypse. I don't want to see your misshapen foot. And that appalling sound, gross feet, gross feet. The people I see wearing them have not washed their feet or trimmed their toenails in months. It's like the toenail trimming scene in "Dumb and Dumber". Again, sandals, hello?
3. Tennis shoes. As they name implies they are for athletic adventures, not for perusing the fresh produce isle at Giant Eagle. Yes, I know everyone wears them all the time. Does that make it ok? NO!
4. Riding around in the car with feet on the dash or out the window. Come on now. These people always have filthy feet that are usually some sort of greenish color on the bottom. If you come near my car with those things I may not be able to hold my silence. Not to mention what if you have an accident? You look like a nutter with your feet and legs flailing about all over the place. Also you could cut someone with those toenails.
5. Sweatpants. Oh honey, do you have the flu, recently had an operation? No? Then put some real pants on Susie. I wear sweatpants, AT HOME. Again, yes I know they are comfortable. So is peeing in a pool, would you do that? Don't answer.
6. Ugg boots. You look like you are standing in two five gallon buckets. Go ahead draaggg them across the floor, no need to pick your feet up when you walk. I like that sound, it's great. Clearly, those are worth the $300 price tag.
7. Pajama bottoms. Nothing says "I don't care bout nothin" like pajama bottoms at the Olive Garden. This seems to be some sort of teenager trend. I know I was a genius when I was a teenager, so clear thinking and stable. It used to be if one saw a person in public in their pajamas you kindly asked that person "Who can I call for you?" or "Which hospital did you come from?"
8. Exposed stomach. Whether you are built like a brick chicken house or Jaba the Hut, keep your .... stuff hidden. I know you are cool and edgy with your pierced belly button that got infected after someone who calls himself "Skinny Mike" gave you discount at the unlicensed tattoo parlour. Also cool, the chubby rebel who doesn't care what others think about their body type or the roll that just flopped over their waistband. Show us your hard earned self esteem in some other way. Buy a sassy handbag.
9. Mullets. You know who you are and what you have to do. Pour yourself a glass of courage and ask your hairstylist and/or Mother for help. They are there to help you let go of 1983. It's never too late.
These things are clearly a violation of the Rachel code, ok a misdemeanor at best in everyday life. However, if i see any of these crimes against humanity at the next wedding or funeral, you have been warned.
